by White People 4 Black Lives
For many of us, 2020 has been a year of intense conversations. The uprising, the election, and issues related to Covid-19 have brought systemic racism to the forefront and people have felt compelled to call others in with a greater sense of urgency than in years past. But, despite the immediacy of the situation, the knowledge that it takes time and practice to master the art of these conversations can help us be more successful with them.
As we approach the holidays this year and spend more time with family, we have an opportunity to practice our skills and make lasting impressions. Black academic, writer, and lecturer Rachel Cargle reminds us: “In the world of social media we can feel like our words don’t matter if we don’t have a ‘platform.’ I can’t stress enough that you have a sphere of influence and any space you occupy IS your platform. Your classroom, your church, your book club, your PTA, your living room, your dinner table.”
On such occasions where people are gathered (even as many of our gatherings will be over Zoom this year) it is likely that someone will make a comment that reflects biases linked to overt or covert white supremacy and racism. This is where anti-racist work begins in earnest. It can feel stressful or risky, depending on your relationship with the commenter. First, know that this is not the only time you have to address the behavior. See this moment as a gateway to future conversations, as opposed to thinking that this is the only chance to get it “right.”
Next, remember that thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are deeply rooted in an individual’s experience. From birth we begin to internalize messages about the world. This means that it will be nearly impossible to undo a lifetime of messages from a white supremacist world and shift a person’s consciousness with just one conversation. So, manage your expectations and be realistic about what you can actually achieve as you engage.
Finally, as we move forward in our practice, it’s important to remember that we can always choose to leave a conversation if we feel unsafe (not to be confused with uncomfortable). For example, if the other person becomes aggressive or condescending, or if the conversation escalates to the point of not being productive, it’s okay to walk away. You didn’t “fail” if the person you’re in dialogue with didn’t undergo a magical transformation in one conversation.
Anti-racism is lifelong work. These conversations are recurring opportunities to engage with that work. Even if we miss or leave a conversation today, we can continue to be in relationship with this person as they go on their journey, and there will be other opportunities to connect with them. Also, it is worth remembering that it is not our job to respond to every single racist comment that we hear. That sort of perfectionism and individualism is actually part of white supremacy culture and our ultimate goal is to find new ways of being that don’t replicate that culture.**
Tools:
Many articles share suggestions on how white people can talk to other white people about sensitive subjects such as race, class, gender, or ability. These include: The White Ally Toolkit created by David W. Campt, and a Thanksgiving toolkit from Showing Up for Racial Justice may help you talk to your family. These two resources offer tips on staying present in a conversation and will increase your chances of communicating effectively.
Actively listen — don’t just wait for your family member to stop talking so you can edge in with your next talking point. This is the only way to truly know where the other person is coming from, as hard as it might be to hear.
Check out this short video on how to deal with racist jokes; the suggestions on how to handle this can be useful for responding to jokes or other offensive comments. Speaking about our own continuous journey instead of making it about things other people should be doing is a good inroad.
Use facts sparingly, and ask first if they are open to hearing something you learned about that either shifted your thinking on an issue or impacted you.
Work with the individual: some respond better to emotional appeals, while others prefer statistics. Know what kind of information your family members respond to and prepare for that.
Looking for more resources?
How to support your partner of color at your white family’s holiday gathering — this was written specifically for people in romantic relationships, but many of the rules apply if you know someone will be the only person of color at your family meal.
Check out your local community offerings. Some of this article was adapted from AWARE-LA’s “Difficult Conversations” workshop, as part of their Unmasking Whiteness Institute and converted into a standalone workshop this past summer. AWARE-LA Saturday Dialogues are great places to dig into these discussions with other white people doing anti-racist work. Saturday Dialogues currently all take place over Zoom; check out our schedule and register here.
* When we say “the holidays,”, we are talking about Thanksgiving (also known as “Thankstaking,” a day of mourning for many Indigenous people in the US), and winter holidays such as Christmas and Hanukkah. For more information about Thankstaking and how to talk about the harm that this holiday has caused to Indigenous people, check out the International Indigenous Youth Council Instagram Live on Friday, November 20th at 6pm Pacific with White People 4 Black Lives. The Live will also be available on White People 4 Black Lives’ Instagram account after the fact.
** The last two paragraphs of this piece were adapted from AWARE-LA’s “Difficult Conversations” workshop.
This piece was written as a collaborative effort by members of White People 4 Black Lives. WP4BL is a white anti-racist collective and activist project of the Alliance of White Anti-Racists Everywhere (AWARE-LA) and operates within a national network of white anti-racists called Showing Up for Racial Justice. WP4BL is rooted in acting in solidarity with Black Lives Matter: Los Angeles. Visit www.awarela.org and follow us @wp4bl.